No sleep seems to lead back to here, it never seems to fail. it's been 6 years of coming here to type it out and log it. My day went well till at the end of the night noah ended up sick. That set the mood for the rest of the night. I come home to a facebook message of concern, and now i feel sick to my stomach with worry. so here i am.
Life now is... weird. I'm getting used to kent, in fact im feeling a bit odd not going back to kent tomorrow. Speaking of which, tomorrow i see my dead grammy. I keep telling my self that my grammy is dead, im seeing my dead grammy, grammy is gone. It's far too surreal. I feel old now, and adding to that is the planning for saving for an appartment down payment, first/last rent, ect. and maybe even a car payment. That is only if my financial plan goes perfectly. Sadly, it wont and so my car now better last me. Another reason for feeling old?
I have never felt so loved and felt so loving. Now this is not necessarily noah related, ill get to that later. Racquel and I are calling each other once a week to make sure we are doing ok and adjusting well and just happy. Our relationship has always been very loving, we accept each other through thick and thin through out the past 10 years. Kelly and I are really feeling the separation it seems and it hurts but seeing her yesterday was fantastic. Nothing changes really, there is still bad music, animal love, and lots of food. Ian is my big brother basically, he watches over me and makes me cry, but in a good way. He makes me feel so loved and he tries so hard to make sure im ok. He was there for me when i felt completely alone a few times during the start of college. I value nuc's friendship so much now, the latest reason why is because she helped me the most throughout this whole death thing. We both are dealing with the deaths of a grandmother who slowly declined and are now faced with the funeral stuff, extended family issues. We also push each other to be great and surround ourselves with great, whether its school related, or the whole dont settle for less than a 10 when it comes to boys. Darcy is helping me let go of high school by keeping me mildly informed on the going ons of AHS, mainly the band. Now im not saying those on my list are my only friends from home but those are the ones who have helped me so much the past 2 months. I'm not one to distance myself a bunch to find a new life at college. If i make new friends, good, but i dont want to sacrifice my phone calls to nuc in chicago, or my skype calls over to wooster for ian so i can go make new friends that may not even compare to what i have with the friends i got in aurora. I have great friends that i dont want to jeopardize it. I already have seen one friend completely take himself from his aurora friends to pursue college life, and by doing so, ruined basically all his old friendships. You dont stop talking to your bestfriends because you think college life is more important. Was your new college friened from the dining hall there for you all of high school, through thick and thin? its frustrating to see someone i was close to just completely detach. He is not only hurting me, but other people who i care for and im not ok with that. Im also not ok with changing completely for college. If thats what you want, fine, but dont expect me to be friends with someone who goes and parties and enjoys the greek life and puts up statuses that hurt those they claim to love. Thats not who i was friends with. you are totally able to go through college without major change. Example: ian said liberal arts school changed him, and i laugh. why? ian came home in a suit jacket, black rimmed glasses, and a scarf over a button up. that is no change, he is still my british-esque english major ian. ok, college rant over
Now to my other type of relationship, the one i have with Noah. I've never felt that important to someone. I think back to last summer and thank God for leading me to where it ended up. I just love having someone who i know cares about me so deeply, who is scared to lose me because im so important to him, who hates to see me sad and tries to keep me from it, who makes sure to call me every night to just talk about the day (even if we spent most of it together). I have someone who is my best friend, my love of my life, and the person I rely on most. I hate saying sorry, i hate admitting im wrong, i hate being taught, and i hate tomatoes. Or i did. But noah makes me a better person and has changed those all (yes, tomatoes make me a better person, and by better i mean healthier (: its true) Today we walked a country road together taking pictures of the fall colors and the cows (yes, cows!) and holding hands. It was my definition of perfect. We discuss a future together, though not too seriously since we know that we both agree that regardless of who we are with, no decisions about having anything more than what noah and i currently have shall be made till the end of college a earliest. But we know what each other generally wants. I can only hope for this to continue, i feel like my life is a whole lot less lonely and more filled now. I dont know if i could find a relationship as good and as fitting as this. I love this love and couldnt ask for more.
Over all my life is generally peaceful and after this blog and finally watching sister wives i feel better, less nervous nauseous. I know life is never well planned and there are rocks, i fight with kelly over stupid things and worry i messed up, noah and i hit a rough patch and things kinda hang in the balance, my grammy passes away when my friends are scattered among ohio and a little west of it. But thats what makes my drives with kelly better, my hand holding with noah sweeter, and the sympathy calls that much more meaningful.
That is life.
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